I am a dreamer.

I like to think of the future and what could be. I like to imagine different scenarios and possibilities.

I've also been called an optimist.

I disagree with that. I consider myself a realist. I think it's much easier to believe the worst in the world than to hold on to the possibility that maybe, something special can happen.

I always dream about that something special. I imagine the moment and the words that would describe it.

One of the most fundamental parts of my personality is that I always believe that the best is yet to come. As good as one moment is, it won't be as good as what could come. I seek out those moments of perfection, and I guess I'm lucky but I have experienced them. They only come for me when I believe in something despite all logic. Sometimes, they are moments in sports, sometimes climaxes in a song, and other times, just moments where I look up at the sky during a sunset and the colours just blow me away.


I'm the same when it comes to books. A good book can give off the best high. The easiest example for me is Quintana of Charyn, which is by now a legendary book on this blog. (Well, if I've created enough hype for it.) I read that entire book savouring every second, and being weirdly emotional just because it was one of the most perfect reads I have ever experienced.

I seek that out from every book I read. I know it exists, and now it's all about finding that euphoria. I think I would be quite happy if all I spent in life was searching for perfect moments.

I was writing a blog post that you might see later, or earlier depending on when it is posted. It was inspired by a stroll through Coles where I discovered several books that called to me. I don't know how to explain seeing them there and just wanting them so badly. It's like a pull in my stomach and a little like I forgot to breathe. I want that book so badly because I believe it could be one of those books that gives me my perfect moment.

I am a dreamer and the reality is that the moments are rare. Not every book will give me that taste of the world being aligned just perfectly for that one second. In fact, the vast majority of books won't. That doesn't mean I don't want the moment: I just cherish it even more when it comes by.

This is my explanation for a weird behaviour I'm starting to notice with myself: the possibility is almost as riveting as the realty. I can fall in love with my dreams and give myself a pretty high as I imagine how perfect something can be.

Finding a book I could read, a book I want to read, and looking at it is almost as exhilarating as reading the book. It sounds weird, but I think this attitude is incredibly prevalent in the YA blogosphere.

I know so many bloggers speak of vast collection of books they have acquired, and that they haven't read. It's completely impractical and one perspective someone could have is that it's a waste of money. But maybe it isn't. Sometimes, the dream is worth a lot more than the reality.

Some people would say that the dream is better than the reality. It's more fun to look at TBR lists and imagine falling in love with a book. It's more fun to imagine the first time you get a box full of beautifully decorated ARCs.

I concede that sometimes, that can be true. As a book blogger, I adore books, and I adore perfect moments. I want it both, and drooling over that pretty, shiny new book is almost a ritual.

But the best part about being a book blogger with such dreams in when they're not dreams. It is entirely possible that there is a book that you desperately crave and imagine its perfection, and you read it, and then..

It is exactly what you wanted. It satisfied every craving you've had. The stars have aligned, and somehow it IS perfect. Against all reason and logic, perfection does exist and you've lived with it. That has happened to me before, and maybe I won't think it's so perfect later, but in the moment, it is. And that's why I love to dream. Because there is a chance that the book that is hyped so much, that I desperately want, lives up to all the hype.

And by caring so much, somehow it's even better. By dreaming, I can have that moment twice: once in my head, and then my dream can be obliterated when the reality proves to be so much better.

-P.E.

Ugh.

I'm trying to write something, but it's not working out. I like when the blog has a mixture of discussion, thoughtful, and review posts, but these days I can't seem to get inspiration for writing anything remotely interesting.

There are ideas I have. I kind of want to write about how I feel like adults have taken over the YA world a little, but the idea isn't fully developed yet. I keep reading my thoughts and saying, "Nope, that's wrong. You can't say that. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"

I am definitely my harshest critic.

There was also a post on drama, and how it's not necessary for YA bloggers, but to be honest, the post went "I've never encountered drama, and it's not a requirement of blogging," and it ended right there.

Yuck. So this is a writing exercise that you may or may not see (depending on what Mari thinks). This is me writing out my block.

See, when other people get block, I assume they do something like try to inspire themselves by visiting other blogs, or watching a movie. They may even leave the screen blank in despair. I've tried writing three to four different posts in the past few weeks, and finally, I got sick of it. I refuse to have writing block. So now, it can go away.

I just need a topic that is semi-interesting and that hasn't been covered before. Like.... (Well, if I knew, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Wait. I swear I know this isn't a conversation.)

A normal person would leave the computer when they have clearly nothing of substance to say, but I refuse to do that. I feel like if I get these words out, maybe they can clear up some space for some actual interesting words.

I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm done my summatives, and now I just need to do my exams. I'm learning nothing new in school. Theoretically, we should be studying right now but I don't want to study. I honestly am not terrified over any of these marks. Like, I'm done with these classes. Can I just start new ones already?

And I've sent in my university applications. All that needs to happen is for more schools to accept me. There's a mixture of confidence and absolute despair going on in my head. What if I don't get accepted? What if I do? It's debatable which is scarier.

This post may be one of the stupidest things I've ever written, but guess what: it works. Writing block is something everyone has experienced, and everyone has a theory on. I know there is especially a lot of talk on what to do when you're an author and you have writer's block (which sounds terrifying, because that's your job and writer's block means you're incapable of doing it) so here's how I get through it.

This. I have writer's block when I have a vision, but no understanding of the process. I want so badly to write that perfect post that everyone will enjoy. I want to touch people's hearts. I want to inspire people. I want to make a name for myself.

These desires are almost paralyzing my ability to write, because writing is free flowing and all over the place, and I never really know where my posts are going until they're done. I'm dealing with a lot of stress and guilt because I'm totally procrastinating right now, which is awful because I need high marks for university. Doing a post like this: rambly, with no aim, mostly my opinions with some tenuous link to blogging thrown in helps me because I'm doing exactly what I was scared to do.

I'm allowing myself to write. This post may never be read by anyone, and I'm pretty sure in a month when someone reads it and comments I'll feel pretty bad because a lot can change in a month (or maybe nothing will- Hello, future me!) but the biggest thing in my writing that I need to connect with is me. I want to write honestly, and this, while not structured or polished, is 100% me. Unapologetically.

(Who am I kidding, I'm so sorry I wasted your time on this mess of a post.)

(Mari says pass!)

-P.E.

(Oh, and I hope you guys enjoyed my artistic work. I was too lazy to search for appropriate images so I made my own. Do you like it or should I stick with stock images?)

Many reader, like myself, want a happily ever after. I mean why are you reading a feel good book if it's going to make you feel bad? That defies the laws of its genre. However, is the want for happiness worth the loss of realism? 

Don't get me wrong, I am a die hard happily ever after gal. I'm guilty of skipping over books because I was told that it had a bad ending. But the few times that I read a book that didn't necessarily have a good ending, I fell in love with them. Obviously this has more to do with the contents of the book rather than its ending but all I know is that these books were memorable. 

When thinking back to why they were memorable, one thing that stands out is the fact that these books were not afraid of telling you the ugly truth. The ugly truth includes sometimes being left off with out the safety of your favourite character.

Life is unpredictable and books like most other forms of media are an author's representation of life. Many times than not, life sucks and people suffer. We walk in and out of lives like we jump in and out of books. Unless a book continues until the day the character dies, which would be a bad ending. It will stop at some point in the characters life once the conflict is resolved, however insufficiently. 

Similarly, we humans walk into each others lives without knowing and then leave for various reasons. The time is the important part and one may leave at a bad time of another's life, leaving their story unfinished in your mind. But this doesn't mean that because last time you saw Johnny, after his girlfriend dumped him, that he will still be sitting there moaning for the same girlfriend.

Had to add Mulan!

I guess what I'm trying to say is, unhappy endings are not the end of the world, unless the character died then yes, it is the end of the world for them. We walk in and out of lives, books, school but the story doesn't end until the person end.

So lets celebrate realism and life because although it sucks at times most of the time if you know were to look, it's pretty damn awesome!

-MARI