I am a dreamer.
I like to think of the future and what could be. I like to imagine different scenarios and possibilities.
I've also been called an optimist.
I disagree with that. I consider myself a realist. I think it's much easier to believe the worst in the world than to hold on to the possibility that maybe, something special can happen.
I always dream about that something special. I imagine the moment and the words that would describe it.
One of the most fundamental parts of my personality is that I always believe that the best is yet to come. As good as one moment is, it won't be as good as what could come. I seek out those moments of perfection, and I guess I'm lucky but I have experienced them. They only come for me when I believe in something despite all logic. Sometimes, they are moments in sports, sometimes climaxes in a song, and other times, just moments where I look up at the sky during a sunset and the colours just blow me away.
I'm the same when it comes to books. A good book can give off the best high. The easiest example for me is Quintana of Charyn, which is by now a legendary book on this blog. (Well, if I've created enough hype for it.) I read that entire book savouring every second, and being weirdly emotional just because it was one of the most perfect reads I have ever experienced.
I seek that out from every book I read. I know it exists, and now it's all about finding that euphoria. I think I would be quite happy if all I spent in life was searching for perfect moments.
I was writing a blog post that you might see later, or earlier depending on when it is posted. It was inspired by a stroll through Coles where I discovered several books that called to me. I don't know how to explain seeing them there and just wanting them so badly. It's like a pull in my stomach and a little like I forgot to breathe. I want that book so badly because I believe it could be one of those books that gives me my perfect moment.
I am a dreamer and the reality is that the moments are rare. Not every book will give me that taste of the world being aligned just perfectly for that one second. In fact, the vast majority of books won't. That doesn't mean I don't want the moment: I just cherish it even more when it comes by.
This is my explanation for a weird behaviour I'm starting to notice with myself: the possibility is almost as riveting as the realty. I can fall in love with my dreams and give myself a pretty high as I imagine how perfect something can be.
Finding a book I could read, a book I want to read, and looking at it is almost as exhilarating as reading the book. It sounds weird, but I think this attitude is incredibly prevalent in the YA blogosphere.
I know so many bloggers speak of vast collection of books they have acquired, and that they haven't read. It's completely impractical and one perspective someone could have is that it's a waste of money. But maybe it isn't. Sometimes, the dream is worth a lot more than the reality.
Some people would say that the dream is better than the reality. It's more fun to look at TBR lists and imagine falling in love with a book. It's more fun to imagine the first time you get a box full of beautifully decorated ARCs.
I concede that sometimes, that can be true. As a book blogger, I adore books, and I adore perfect moments. I want it both, and drooling over that pretty, shiny new book is almost a ritual.
But the best part about being a book blogger with such dreams in when they're not dreams. It is entirely possible that there is a book that you desperately crave and imagine its perfection, and you read it, and then..
And by caring so much, somehow it's even better. By dreaming, I can have that moment twice: once in my head, and then my dream can be obliterated when the reality proves to be so much better.