A discussion between P.E. & Mari.

Mari: This summer marks our entrance into the "real world", whatever that's supposed to be, and it makes me wonder, what does this mean for our reading choices? Do you wish to continue reading YA lit or are you starting to branch out? Do you think there is a certain age for certain books and is there a type that may have once suited you but you don't think it will from now on?

P.E.: Absolutely. You've noticed that I've given stories I think are light very low ratings because I'm looking for a certain level of complexity in what I read. I do wish to continue reading YA, but I'm also hoping to branch out into some adult fic, with some stories that make me think about the world. I won't read any more of the "rich kid" chick lit stuff even though I used to be a big fan. I'm also not really the biggest fan of reading books about kids much younger than me, so I'm reading around my age (17). How about you?

Mari: I tried many types of books over the years and I think at this point I've come to realize what I enjoy. I will not be reading any freshman year books about just going into high school. Those stories don't appeal to me anymore. Been there, done that; I'm moving on. I like a certain level of "lightness" in my reads but it's not the same for fantasy. I don't much like light paranormal romance stories and don't think I will continue with them. I also want to delve into the adult genre a little, I'm very interested in the fantasy and historical romances. I also want to read more classics, hopefully at least one a year. Mostly I want to branch out and become more diverse. Is there a certain genre you're interested in trying?

P.E.: I'm interested in trying more books about real life. I want to hear real stories about power, success, fame, fortune, danger. I want to be inspired by real people. I guess I'm at a point in my life where I'm realizing that everything I wanted isn't some kind of pretend fantasy. I can actually do a lot of what I want, and I want to explore the wonders of this world, not just a fantasy world. I want to explore memoirs, biographies, and the such. Also, even better if the story is one of those that is deep and inspirational. Is that weird?

Mari: I think HRC is getting to you! Haha I guess its not weird. I personally am not ready to leave my fantasy world. I read articles and such on the side and that's my dose of reality and I'm happy with that. Reading is for pure enjoyment. But that's just the different type of readers that we are. I read to journey out of myself for a bit and enjoy something different. You may do the same but you also look for inspiration in your books.

P.E.: Hmm maybe. I still haven't finished it though. It's such a looonng read. 

There's a fair bit of this going on, too. 

I think in general, I want everything I do to have meaning. I mean, I want to be entertained, and I want to escape. But I'm also looking for books that transcend entertainment and turn into actual experiences for me, from which I can learn from and come back to. Although I don't think that's my reading future. However, I seldom have a list of books to read if it isn't an ARC, so it's not like I'll be ditching YA anytime soon.

Mari: I second that. We both plan on expanding our reading spectrum and growing but staying with YA for the most part.

What's In Your Reading Future?

A discussion with P.E. and Mari.

P.E.: Mari we did it! We graduated! I figure since this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, we should talk about it. First, what did you think of today? (Our commencement ceremony.)

Mari: Long and repetitive but it was liberating. There were moments in which I was shocked that we had come to the stage in our lives when we finish high school because nothing is for certain once high school is over. But, our valedictorian's address and all the little conversations with my favourite teachers made up for the uncertainty. I'm ready to go forward and grad was a nice push and closure to a big part of my life. How about yourself?

P.E.: I thought it was rather underwhelming. I mean, I've always imagined the day I would graduate from high school and when it happened, it felt weird like, "Oh yeah, this is happening." I thought it would mean more to me but it really doesn't. It just felt like another day, and I don't feel  particularly emotional about it. I had lots of family there and we took lots of pics, and I got some great grad gifts, but beyond that, I can't say grad impacted my life in any significant way. 

Mari: Well it was "just another day". It's just a day that marks the end of your high school experience and opens the doors to new experiences. I agree that it was a little underwhelming at some points but it comes with the territory. For the past 18 years we've been building up the day that we would finally graduate from high school hence, it's quite hard for it to beat our imagination.

P.E.: Remember, seventeen years for me. I don't even think I was imagining it that much. I used to be scared of goodbyes, and now I'm more calm about it. Like, there's nothing I can do to prevent change, so I'll just let it happen and try to enjoy it. I also left pretty fast- I kind of like a clean break. Now that we've moved on from high school, how was it different from the books?

Mari: Well there was no real KABOOM! GOOD BYE HS!  I got out of the ceremony confused and incapable of finding my friends or family. There were teachers hounding me to return my gown and pick up my diploma and all my friends were charging out the doors like they were being chased by hungarian horntails. It was quite different from the books. But interestingly enough, now that you mention it, I've never read about graduation in a book. There are senior year books and then the summer after books but never one that features graduation... We should write that novel :)

The ceremony was just that, a ceremony, but I think the real end of high school was prom. It's what I prepared for, it's what I looked forward to and it's what I spent the most time actually enjoying myself and getting the realization that I was done.

P.E.: I didn't really care too much about prom- I plan on going to a lot of fancy parties in my life, so I tried not to stress out when I couldn't find a dress I liked, or build prom up too much. It was fun though. There was so much family stuff going on at the time that it was nice to remember that I have a life outside my home life too. And I can't recall a graduation scene either. Weird. I'm sure it's mentioned, but it just skips by. But I mean, what did you think of high school in general? Was it as dramatic as you expected? Lots of cliques, fights, etc.?

Mari: There were cliques, I was in one, but we weren't the mean girls reincarnate. Cliques are not a replacement word for gangs guys, they are not all evil. I was in the nerd group as my brother likes to call us. There were the athletic/outgoing/popular kids as well and though I knew them and was friends with them I wasn't a regular member of their lunch party :) Here is the other thing, to me cafeterias were supposed to be the worst place ever when I first read YA. My experience was much different. In books, the cafeteria was where the new ninth graders got educated, it's where they couldn't find a table. At our school, there was a lot of room because the older kids don't want to sit inside when they can be in the halls, outside, or at a restaurants. Life is so much bigger than what we see in the books and much less dramatic.

P.E.: Maybe I was in a bit of a unique position because I don't feel like overall I was part of any group, for better or for worse. I mean, the only group I feel like I was part of all throughout high school was the Frenchie group (because obviously, French Immersion kids are the smartest and bestest!) and I remained close with the Frenchies from my elementary school. But even then, we branched out. I think that's what I got out of high school; you can be part of a lot of different things because there are different aspects to your personality. I can be in any nerd group--I'm a total nerd-- and maybe I suck as an athlete but gosh darnit I tried (& I LOVED being part of a team too!). Although my experience could be weird because the trio I was in ended up breaking up because 2/3 of them switched schools. 

The cafeteria is interesting. You said it didn't matter much. In my circles, we started out in the cafeteria with our long table to the window. Then, a few weeks in, we decided that the cafeteria was NOT the place to be because of the awful food, and the fact that at my school, you could eat anywhere you wanted. So for all of tenth grade, I'm pretty sure we went out for lunch every day. We went to the nearby Tim Hortons to get away from the annoying school kids. The plaza was for sometimes, and we didn't like it much. The park was okay. Mostly, we walked around. Then in senior years, I avoided the cafeteria again and staked a spot at my locker. 

I also didn't think our school was that dramatic. I mean, there were rumours in ninth grade and tenth grade about some things, but I stayed away from that. So I guess if you're looking for drama, you can have it. If not, it can be avoided. Also, people are pretty great. They're not defined by who they hang out with and everyone has their own story. That I learned through leadership camp. So what do you think university will be like? What have you learned from the books? 


Mari: I haven't read much, mostly because new adult is a fairly new category. What I have managed to gather  over the past while is : lots of parties, dating, alcohol and sororities/ fraternities. Honestly, I can tell you now my experience is going to be the opposite of this because I avoid a lot of those things. I'm not a party animals and so the parties know to stay away. On the academic side, I see lots of lonely studying and hopefully cute teacher's assistants :) How about you?

P.E.: I don't know what to expect. I'm moving away, so I'm sure I'll feel lonely a lot. Also, university is apparently really hard and I'm scared when it comes to thinking about exams and stuff, and just kind of not knowing anyone or seeing my family or friends. But at the same time, I feel very strongly that I need to get away from my comfort zone. I want to try things I've never tried before. I want to experience a new culture, and see a different part of life. I don't know what will happen. I think Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell calmed me down a bit because a lot of my fears are what Cath struggles with, and she ended up okay. 

Mari: It will definitely be an adventure.

Mari and P.E. at prom! 

Are you in high school? Have you completed university? What did you think of it? Do you have any advice for P.E. & Mari?

This is a new feature that will be looking at blogging, books, and anything of any relevance to the YA Blogosphere in short form. It's meant to start a discussion by offering quick thoughts from Mari and P.E. on a variety of topics. 

All or Nothing

by P.E. 

I've been seeing publishers post samples to their books and to put it simply, I'm wondering if there is actual interest for that sort of thing? I don't like reading samples because I would rather read the book all at once, but I suppose for some people, samples help them become much more excited for a book. I also think that in some weird way, teasers are spoilers for me because I don't like doing anything twice. Do you like teasers? 

I'm Not A Book Club Person

by P.E.

I don't know what this says about me, but I've never been someone that likes book clubs. Maybe it's my inner rebel that can't bear the idea of a reading schedule. I can't prolong my reading. Most books are read in massive chunks, so unless it's for school and I have an educational read with lots of topics, I don't like forcing myself to slow down. It's strange because I'm pretty well known as a bookworm at my school and I've been a part of book club ever there: Harry Potter book club, and that was only because I thought the teacher was great and I wanted to go on a field trip to watch the Deathly Hallows. Mari on the other hand has joined lots of book clubs.

Is It Ethical?

by Mari

I've always heard and have preached that reading does no harm and I like to believe that, however sometimes I wonder if that statement is 100% true. Recently, I've been reading Prisoner of Night and Fog by Anne Blankman, a pre-WWII novel. It contains a very close view of Hitler, his regime, and his book. There are some horrendous quotes as well that makes a reader wonder what else the man had written. Despite my curiosity there is a sense of ethics? that keeps me from buy/borrowing this book. Just searching for Mein Kampf at Chapters made me nervous and uncomfortable. Is it ethical to read a book written by such a horrible person even if your intentions are pure. In a way, will I be supporting him and his crimes?

-P.E. AND MARI

I never told anyone when I started my first blog. I had the news inside of me. I was bursting to tell it, but I kept it on the down low for the early stages. Eventually, I told one friend. And a while later, another. But it wasn't something I publicized. I didn't want to be P.E., the blogger.

I was active on forums long before I even learned of blogging. It was there that I learned the art of creating an internet persona, who was me, but the me I wanted to present. I loved it. I am a private person, and the idea of controlling my image so completely was incredibly appealing. And so, as teenagers often do these days, I found a place in the world, or at least the internet, that I wanted to be part of. The wonderful forum, and later the blogging community.

What's cool about the internet is that you can live by two lives. On the forum, I was known as Ashes (which sounds a little depressing, until I explain that the main character in the book series the forum was about was Ash, and every other variation was taken). On my blog, after learning so much in schools and by parents about the dangers of sharing internet information, I kept my initials, P.E.. It's something I still have.

I didn't realize how weird it was until a teacher said, a little shocked, "You have a blog? Why don't I know about this!" (She's a great teacher, BTW). She was friendly and we often had conversations. She said this so loud and the entire class looked over. And I felt so upset, because maybe some people don't understand, but it was like I was in two worlds.

There was the me in real life, who had a decent life and there was online me, and I was always me no matter what I did, but it was different parts of me. If I had a bad day blogging, well, who cares, go hang out with a friend. If I had a bad day in real life, who cares, I was someone on the internet.

One of the questions I hated most of all was being asked for my blog URL. I think I point blank refused a lot of people. This was partly to ensure my separation between online me and real person me, but also because I wanted to be a successful blogger. I wanted to be productive, and have an impact. In some ways I'm a trusting person, but in others, I'm not. I wanted my blog to be successful because of my hard work and talent (if it indeed existed). I wanted to make a name for myself. Every bit of success that I had was something I wanted to have not because of who I was, but what I could do.

So in general, I hid blogging for a long time, and then I transitioned into "not really going to talk about it". Seriously, do you realize how stressed out I was over making a twitter account? I was terrified. Twitter would mean joining real person me and online me. Of course, I didn't really tell too many people about my Twitter either.

I don't know how it happened, or what happened, and maybe it's a part of growing up, but eventually I become more comfortable with sharing online me and real me. And this is what I believe has made my writing stronger: I can write emotionally and have confidence in my place in the world. This confidence came from seeing Tantalizing Illusions do reasonably well. It also came from people I trusted, who told me they thought I could write well, and somehow they made me believe it a little.

I'm a perfectionist. I'm always in competition with myself to be better. I generally have extremely high expectations of myself and my life, and I'm still reconciling them. Even now, when I'm so very open about being a blogger, which I'm sure has a lot to do with Mari telling me my writing doesn't suck, and helping manage TSC to look good, I still am uncomfortable with the idea of the real people I know seeing my blog.

I'm trying not to be. It's just that writing is so personal to me. I wrote so emotionally, and I don't know how much of that I'm comfortable sharing.

I don't know if this is the case for everyone. I had a twitter conversation the other day with someone, and she told me she never saw blogging the way I did, and that's completely possible. Not everyone feels the compulsive need to be good at everything. I guess the way I see it is if I'm going to do something, I need to do it well. I either do it or don't. There's no middle ground.

I'm even uncomfortable sharing this post because it's again, incredibly personal, and I don't know if I want people to see it. But at the same time, this isn't something people talk about a lot.

Often, to get people interested in Twitter, I describe tweets as talking in a room of shouting people. Maybe someone will hear you, maybe no one will. There is that sense of anonymity on the internet that seems to be shamed, or despised, and I don't see why that needs to be the case.

When I needed it, I was in my anonymous bubble, watching, learning, and it made me feel safe. And now I'm starting to exit that bubble and explore the person that is me on the internet, and off the internet. And maybe I think she has some potential.

Have you ever enjoyed anonymity on the internet? How comfortable are you to say that you're a blogger?

-P.E.

This story, about the Associated Press creating word limits caught my eye a few weeks ago. It was at that time that I found a piece that I currently can't find about the emergence of video as the new text. The article explained that newer generations (mine, my sister's) have grown up with so much immediate access to information that we don't want to read it anymore, we want the instant gratification and something that won't let us get distracted; the future is video.

As a blogger, this concerned me because every week, I produce many written works and I have been wondering so much about the future of blogging. 

When I first joined blogging some years ago, it was different. The blogs were bubbly and new; the ARCs were flowing; everything was original because it had never happened before. I remember there was almost an unwritten code for how to act; bubbly and sweet, and I also remember many more blogs of lower quality. Review requests by publishers were a lot more free flowing, and I remember getting some right away. 

Now, I believe the blogging community has matured, and is more focused on creating better content. Most blogs look good; most bloggers know the basic rules. Publishers have also become more restrictive with their ARCs. For example, Mari and I don't receive near as many review requests as I did at Tantalizing Illusions, even if our work here is better written, and we have about double to triple the page views. 

These are my impressions, and I very well could be wrong. It's clear that the blogging community is constantly evolving, and in no way is that a bad thing. What I can't help but wonder though is when will the community reach its peak?

Or has it already done so? 

I never knew about BookTube until this year when I saw some tweets by Giselle. I'm not a video person in the slightest, and yet this new medium for bookish fandom intrigues me. I've looked at a few videos since then and they seem to do what we do as writers, but they make videos. And it was then that I remembered the theory that in the future, it will be video that is the most digested medium for information. 

Obviously, as a blogger, I'm curious about this. 

Furthermore, with the controversy at BEA about the panel with the BookTuber, I can't help thinking about the future of book blogging.

Will be all become super high tech? Every blog is always searching for new ways to attract readers. Will we be seeing more multimedia news resources? And, as blog readers, do you tire of reading long, written pieces? 

I don't know the answers to any of these questions, and I'd love to read your thoughts in the comments!

-P.E.

I am a dreamer.

I like to think of the future and what could be. I like to imagine different scenarios and possibilities.

I've also been called an optimist.

I disagree with that. I consider myself a realist. I think it's much easier to believe the worst in the world than to hold on to the possibility that maybe, something special can happen.

I always dream about that something special. I imagine the moment and the words that would describe it.

One of the most fundamental parts of my personality is that I always believe that the best is yet to come. As good as one moment is, it won't be as good as what could come. I seek out those moments of perfection, and I guess I'm lucky but I have experienced them. They only come for me when I believe in something despite all logic. Sometimes, they are moments in sports, sometimes climaxes in a song, and other times, just moments where I look up at the sky during a sunset and the colours just blow me away.


I'm the same when it comes to books. A good book can give off the best high. The easiest example for me is Quintana of Charyn, which is by now a legendary book on this blog. (Well, if I've created enough hype for it.) I read that entire book savouring every second, and being weirdly emotional just because it was one of the most perfect reads I have ever experienced.

I seek that out from every book I read. I know it exists, and now it's all about finding that euphoria. I think I would be quite happy if all I spent in life was searching for perfect moments.

I was writing a blog post that you might see later, or earlier depending on when it is posted. It was inspired by a stroll through Coles where I discovered several books that called to me. I don't know how to explain seeing them there and just wanting them so badly. It's like a pull in my stomach and a little like I forgot to breathe. I want that book so badly because I believe it could be one of those books that gives me my perfect moment.

I am a dreamer and the reality is that the moments are rare. Not every book will give me that taste of the world being aligned just perfectly for that one second. In fact, the vast majority of books won't. That doesn't mean I don't want the moment: I just cherish it even more when it comes by.

This is my explanation for a weird behaviour I'm starting to notice with myself: the possibility is almost as riveting as the realty. I can fall in love with my dreams and give myself a pretty high as I imagine how perfect something can be.

Finding a book I could read, a book I want to read, and looking at it is almost as exhilarating as reading the book. It sounds weird, but I think this attitude is incredibly prevalent in the YA blogosphere.

I know so many bloggers speak of vast collection of books they have acquired, and that they haven't read. It's completely impractical and one perspective someone could have is that it's a waste of money. But maybe it isn't. Sometimes, the dream is worth a lot more than the reality.

Some people would say that the dream is better than the reality. It's more fun to look at TBR lists and imagine falling in love with a book. It's more fun to imagine the first time you get a box full of beautifully decorated ARCs.

I concede that sometimes, that can be true. As a book blogger, I adore books, and I adore perfect moments. I want it both, and drooling over that pretty, shiny new book is almost a ritual.

But the best part about being a book blogger with such dreams in when they're not dreams. It is entirely possible that there is a book that you desperately crave and imagine its perfection, and you read it, and then..

It is exactly what you wanted. It satisfied every craving you've had. The stars have aligned, and somehow it IS perfect. Against all reason and logic, perfection does exist and you've lived with it. That has happened to me before, and maybe I won't think it's so perfect later, but in the moment, it is. And that's why I love to dream. Because there is a chance that the book that is hyped so much, that I desperately want, lives up to all the hype.

And by caring so much, somehow it's even better. By dreaming, I can have that moment twice: once in my head, and then my dream can be obliterated when the reality proves to be so much better.

-P.E.

Without a doubt, one of the best services offered by the government is the library.

When my parents immigrated to Canada, we were not that well off. I was almost four, and I remember being very shy and totally a mommy's girl just. I wasn't very good at trusting strangers, and I was a pretty cautious, quiet child. My parents gave me everything I needed, but they didn't splurge on items like books and it was futile to ask for them. 

But, there was the library. I wish I could remember the first time I walked into a library, but I can't. I suppose it's when my parents were in college. There was a massive library nearby and my mom would visit to read books. I think she hoped it would improve her English. I can't tell you the first time I checked a book out from the library either. My memory of the library begins with bringing tens of books home after I scoured the shelves. 

I can't remember reading many picture books. I think at some point my mom tried to force them on me because I wasn't a very good reader. (I have a distinct memory of struggling with the words cat and bat.) I guess I thought books were boring. But the beautiful thing about the library is that it isn't always about books.

The library had an extensive selection of VCR's, and I devoured them. I adored Disney (my favourite was Beauty and the Beast), and my mom laughs when she recounts how I cried when I watched The Land Before Time (in fairness, when the mommy dinosaur died, it was devastating). I even acted out some of the Lion King and The Land Before Time movies by transforming our living room into an elaborate obstacle course so when the dinosaurs jumped about on their journeys, I would climb around the couch (my parents LOVED that part). 

I read Dear Dumb Diary; I read Junie. B Jones. Then I met my next passion: Harry Potter. Reading Harry Potter was special because my mom read it too. I remember struggling through the words and asking her what they meant. It was one of the first chapter books I read, and I don't know how but somehow, I became a big reader soon after. 

I would visit the library with my mom and we would check out a good twenty books. I read up to six chapter books a day (granted, they were small ones). I couldn't buy any of the books I wanted, but I could take them from the library and that was literally the next best thing. Whenever I was in a bad place, I would retreat to my room and read. They kind of taught me a lot about the world, and my childhood is a huge reason why I'm a reader today. 

The other thing the library offered were programs. I remember my mom signing me up to a few and I was super shy, but I had fun. I think I went to a Lord of the Rings program, which was really funny because I never read the books. Either way, the library proved all throughout my childhood to be a safe place. 

When I was a pre-teen, and um, stuff wasn't going so well at home, I would compose myself and go to the library where I would forget about everything else and just focus on books. The library is a pleasant space, and it was also my safe space. I brought my sister with me sometimes and even if I was uncomfortable in other places, the library always meant a lot to me.

To put it really simply, books are a huge part of my life and I wouldn't be able to have them without the library. We're better off now, but I still visit the library monthly and I volunteer there because I know what a safe haven it is. I used the library to entertain myself, and my mom used it to educate herself. My dad used it to stay connected with his home country by reading the news. It has meant a lot to my family, and I can't say enough about the facilities and the people there. 

I think I wrote this post just because libraries need to be appreciated more. They do so much for people and they don't get enough credit. I would like to thank every single library and librarian throughout the years because their work is appreciated. 

The true test to the strength of a civilization is in the libraries, and I'm lucky to live in a city with first class service.

-P.E.

High Fantasy novels scare me. When I start one, I never know if I will be reading my new favourite series or reading the most tedious book in the existence of humanity. I suppose you could say this for all book genres, but it's especially true to fantasy. First, let's talk about the Boom.

BOOM!

Compared to the amount of high fantasy I read, it's probably unexpected that some of my favourite books are high fantasy. Graceling, Poison Study, Finnikin of the Rock, Shadow and Bone all come to mind. I love shows like Game of Thrones too. At its very best, fantasy is all engrossing. 

It's a completely imaginative new world with a different set of rules from that of our own. Fantasy is thrilling. There are so many enormous battles and prophecies. There is this undeniable feeling of fate. There is action, and magic, and overall, the story telling in fantasy is epic and phenomenal.

There are no fantasies I like. 

When fantasy clicks, it's storytelling and heroics and politics merged into this beautiful, epic read. It's not a book I like but a book that instantly becomes part of my favourites. I'll gush about it everywhere because it's that awesome. Fantasy, when it clicks, is a beautiful thing.

BUST

But when it flops, there is no comparison to how irritated a fantasy book can make me. When it doesn't work, fantasy is slow and complicated. It's full of irrelevant characters I give no shits about and by the end of the book, I end up wishing that every character would just die because they irritate me so much. I'm not usually that bitter in real life, but some fantasy books just bring out the worst in me. 

To this day, if you ask me what was the worst book ever, I could point you towards Modelland by Tyra Banks which I started to read as a comedy because it was so godawful in terms of plot, character development, world building, plausibility... pretty much anything you need in a book was done badly. 

Many high fantasies try to be epic, and when they fail at that, I am extremely harsh on them. Ellen Oh's Prophecy is one book I can't stand. I thought everything was forced. I also despised reading The Golden Compass (description overload), Garth Nix's Sabriel series, wasn't into Narnia (beyond The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe).

Some fantasies have awful lingo that I can't get over, and the imagery bores me. I don't really visualize much when I read, so reading descriptions of some kind of half scorpion, a quarter dragon, a quarter porcupine thing does not sound appealing. When a fantasy tries to be interesting by having descriptions of different types of worlds rather than having action (of the type I like), I shut it down.

Is it just a fantasy thing?

Other genres elicit similar responses from me, but none to the extremities that fantasy does. I'm always a little cautious about fantasy, because on the one hand, I adore it. I love the mysticism, I love the action, and the possibilities are really glorious. On the other hand, I'm not a hardcore fantasy reader. I can't join a fantasy fan club because it's really not my genre of choice- I think speculative fiction with a focus on characterization and plot, is. 

What do you think? Are you a fantasy fan? Or do you avoid fantasy?

-P.E.

This is a bit of a hard post to write, because it's hard to admit you're wrong. But, I was.

Books are special because they can teach. They can offer a brand new perspective to something, and that perspective can change your whole mindset. I feel like books have shaped me into the person that I am, and they deserve recognition for that.

Yesterday was #BellLetsTalk (not really, but as I'm writing this post, it was). It's when Bell, one of two gigantic media corporations in Canada, tries to start a conversation about mental health. Every tweet with #BellLetsTalk resulted in $0.05 towards mental health initiatives. It sounds like a little, but at the end of the day, over five million dollars was generated.

Every year I grow and learn. Every year I think I have it all figured out, and then I'm shocked to realize I don't.

Despite the many workshops and speeches, I never really understood depression. I understood it as an extreme sadness that doesn't go away. I was told that if you're sad for a little bit, that's normal, but depression is more long term. Still, I didn't understand.

Obviously, everyone has had sad moments in their lives. I didn't understand what differentiated sad and depression. I'm probably lucky for that. Whenever I'm sad, I deal with it. I don't let myself be sad- I always distract myself. Read, tv, put myself into something other than the moment. Later on, when distraction isn't working, I write. I just input whatever is in my head onto paper, and then somehow that clears my mind.

It's like, after I validate my feelings, I can deal with them. It isn't always easy, but I can cope. Because of this, I couldn't believe in always being sad, partly because a large part of me being sad, was guilting myself into ignoring it. I have a great life where I'm extremely sheltered. I know that, but even then, it's hard for me to believe in anything else just because when people talk about horrific things, I have no experience to base it on. It just sounds like a story.

My views toward depression were along the lines that everyone could get better through their own method, whether it be treatment or therapy. Rationally, I knew it was an illness, but I didn't truly understand until I read Allie Brosh's posts on depression.

When I read it, I was in a bad mood and straight up cried because I knew I would be happy and feel better, but some people wouldn't. Depression is terrifying to me because I know it doesn't always reach Brosh's level. Her writing terrified me because on a human basis, I understood.

I have definitely had points where I decided to not care. I've had moments where I look at something I love and wonder why it isn't making me happy. Heck, I've even had people do incredible things for me while all I've been thinking is that I want to leave. Those moods are the worst, especially because I always believed that happiness is a choice, and I could choose to be happy. When I wasn't happy, I felt guilty and mad at myself. The point is, I tried, and eventually I got better, but through writing things down, I realized how bad off I was later on.

Allie Brosh's post taught me that for some people, they just keep feeling down, even when they try to be happy. Happiness isn't a choice- who would ever choose to be unhappy? That was a motto all throughout my preteen years. I was a big Wicked Lovely fan and that was one of the quotes and themes. Maybe I wasn't really experienced enough to truly realize what it meant, but I honestly believed that if I tried hard enough, I would be happy.

Reading about Allie's experiences as she couldn't bring herself around to care just opened my eyes. This is a mental illness. It is based on science in the brain, and no matter how much anyone tries to will themselves out of it, they might not be able to.

Reading Hyperbole and a Half helped me understand truly, or as close as I can get without having real depression, what depression is. Books are powerful that way- they can open eyes and educate. I know today there's probably a lot of things I'm also wrong about, but I can learn. Reading is one way to do that.

-P.E.

Ugh.

I'm trying to write something, but it's not working out. I like when the blog has a mixture of discussion, thoughtful, and review posts, but these days I can't seem to get inspiration for writing anything remotely interesting.

There are ideas I have. I kind of want to write about how I feel like adults have taken over the YA world a little, but the idea isn't fully developed yet. I keep reading my thoughts and saying, "Nope, that's wrong. You can't say that. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"

I am definitely my harshest critic.

There was also a post on drama, and how it's not necessary for YA bloggers, but to be honest, the post went "I've never encountered drama, and it's not a requirement of blogging," and it ended right there.

Yuck. So this is a writing exercise that you may or may not see (depending on what Mari thinks). This is me writing out my block.

See, when other people get block, I assume they do something like try to inspire themselves by visiting other blogs, or watching a movie. They may even leave the screen blank in despair. I've tried writing three to four different posts in the past few weeks, and finally, I got sick of it. I refuse to have writing block. So now, it can go away.

I just need a topic that is semi-interesting and that hasn't been covered before. Like.... (Well, if I knew, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Wait. I swear I know this isn't a conversation.)

A normal person would leave the computer when they have clearly nothing of substance to say, but I refuse to do that. I feel like if I get these words out, maybe they can clear up some space for some actual interesting words.

I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm done my summatives, and now I just need to do my exams. I'm learning nothing new in school. Theoretically, we should be studying right now but I don't want to study. I honestly am not terrified over any of these marks. Like, I'm done with these classes. Can I just start new ones already?

And I've sent in my university applications. All that needs to happen is for more schools to accept me. There's a mixture of confidence and absolute despair going on in my head. What if I don't get accepted? What if I do? It's debatable which is scarier.

This post may be one of the stupidest things I've ever written, but guess what: it works. Writing block is something everyone has experienced, and everyone has a theory on. I know there is especially a lot of talk on what to do when you're an author and you have writer's block (which sounds terrifying, because that's your job and writer's block means you're incapable of doing it) so here's how I get through it.

This. I have writer's block when I have a vision, but no understanding of the process. I want so badly to write that perfect post that everyone will enjoy. I want to touch people's hearts. I want to inspire people. I want to make a name for myself.

These desires are almost paralyzing my ability to write, because writing is free flowing and all over the place, and I never really know where my posts are going until they're done. I'm dealing with a lot of stress and guilt because I'm totally procrastinating right now, which is awful because I need high marks for university. Doing a post like this: rambly, with no aim, mostly my opinions with some tenuous link to blogging thrown in helps me because I'm doing exactly what I was scared to do.

I'm allowing myself to write. This post may never be read by anyone, and I'm pretty sure in a month when someone reads it and comments I'll feel pretty bad because a lot can change in a month (or maybe nothing will- Hello, future me!) but the biggest thing in my writing that I need to connect with is me. I want to write honestly, and this, while not structured or polished, is 100% me. Unapologetically.

(Who am I kidding, I'm so sorry I wasted your time on this mess of a post.)

(Mari says pass!)

-P.E.

(Oh, and I hope you guys enjoyed my artistic work. I was too lazy to search for appropriate images so I made my own. Do you like it or should I stick with stock images?)

I've always thought that everybody wants to be special. Everyone wants to matter and have some sort of significance in the grand scheme of things. Everyone wants a purpose, a goal, and we all want to know that although there are seven billion people on the planet, yes, I matter.

Books are an escape, and one of the most common escapes pertains to being special. Being "the chosen one". That's pretty much the setup for most fantasies- a prophecy, or some seemingly ordinary person who ends up being absolutely remarkable. Heroes are brave, they have special powers, and they are different from other people. They save people- they don't need saving. They are the people with some special secret, some knowledge of a whole other world. 

Look at Harry Potter, who was some dorky orphan until he learned that not only was he a wizard, he was "the boy who lived" and he was famous. 

Look at Percy Jackson, a guy bouncing from boarding school to boarding school, who learns that he's actually the son of Poseidon, the god of the Sea and he's one of the most powerful demigods in existence. 

Look at Bella Swan, who moves into a new town, and is the only person whom Edward Cullen can't read the thoughts of. 

Now that I think about it, all of my favourite books are about this: ordinary people with crappy lives realizing that they aren't just ordinary, there's something more to them. We can analyze that later. The part I want to talk about is the not ordinary people. The Muggles. 

:(

One of the most fascinating parts of these mythologies is that normal humans, often the vast majority, are often ignorant of the world around them. They are blind to the magic and mayhem surrounding them. That isn't a big problem, except that they're often considered to be lesser.

It's like anyone who isn't special isn't really worth it, and it has kind of gotten me thinking. The special groups always seem to be the minority, and one on one, they are definitely more powerful than a human. Maybe it's my optimism, but I totally believe that in groups, humans can achieve wondrous things. People without some God-given talent can join together and use technology to be a force in the world. I've read two books with people like this.

In The Coldest Girl in Coldtown, vampires are revealed to the world and humanity reacts. Humanity puts them in cities, labelled Coldtowns, that the vampires can be part of, and humanity fights for existence and supremacy. There are obvious issues, like the commercialization of vampires, but it's still fascinating to see the power of a knowledgeable humanity. 

Partials by Dan Wells is another example that comes to mind. Society was destroyed in a war between humans and Partials, and since then, no baby has survived. Humanity is dying, but it won't break. People make laws, defend themselves, commit themselves to research. People don't give up. 

I'd like to see more stories about people who aren't special because of a super anything, but special because they work together with other people to enact significant social change.

I'd also like to see less of minimization for anyone who doesn't possess a god-given power. It's a little bit snobby to fault people for not seeing the truth only because you hide it from them.

While I think I will always love stories about "specials", I think I will also try to be more conscious of the amazing abilities of normals like the people around me.

What do you think of the focus on 'special' in books?
-P.E.

There once was a time when my primary concern going into a novel was being entertained. My life has never been excessively shitty, but there are some days where I need that escape and for the longest time, books were just that. They were my escape. My only escape.

Times have changed. I read less now, but I don't feel like my love for books has diminished; only my dependence has, and diversifying my interests may not be a bad thing. It has certainly resulted in more experiences and better writings. But, I digress.

It used to be that for me to be satisfied with a book, I needed to be entertained and that was it. I never wanted my life to change; I never fretted over other things to do. I could read and if the book did its job correctly, I would forget. I figured blogging would open new doors; I could be even closer to this hobby that I adore so dearly.

I am now. I understand publishing and what goes on behind a book much better than the average person. I've been contacted by publishers and authors and publicists. I know industry trends and many worries. I've swam beneath the waters to take a closer look than the proverbial iceberg (and *brr* it's freezing!) and now everything has changed.

Refining a critical and analytical eye means that I look for something more in books than "Did I like it?" There is a sense of responsibility because I'm not just looking at books for me, but I'm also looking at books for other readers, bloggers, and authors.

This change came into view after I reviewed Mystic City. The book earned 1 star from me, although at the end I explained how the story entertained me. If you read a book for entertainment, that book deserves a much higher rating.

I don't read books for entertainment anymore. I wan
t a book to transcend pure entertainment and become something meaningful to me. I want it to be a part of me; something that touches me and reawakens some emotion I have.

This doesn't mean I'm looking for emotional, deep books. A book with a plot or fantastical setting that transports me into a different world is enough. The most important element I look for now is a connection.

It is something I desperately crave when I read. A connection to plot, setting, characters... anything. I don't need to have fun; fun isn't necessary. The Fault in Our Stars by John Green was not fun. I hate that book even though and because it made me cry and I remember whining to my mom about how unfair the world was. Not fun. Not even likable- I don't want to feel so desperate for something substantially constant. There was a connection though. A very powerful connection that made me angry because I didn't like having my emotions turned around because of a cancer book and there was anger at myself too (Why the hell would I put myself through this?) and it was one of the most powerful reading experiences I had because of the negativity and the positivity.

Fun is great; I'm over fun. Gone are the days where I used to read Gossip Girl and The A-List. Maybe one day I will go back to wanting a book to entertain me and nothing more. Right now, I want connections and possible impacts. Books like Insigina by S.J. Kincaid are ideal because they can both entertain and engross; there are deeper aspects to the plot and world building that resonate.

I don't begrudge anyone that looks for a simple escape when they read. I'm not a person of absolutes; sometimes I will accept a book just for fun. But right now, the books I enjoy are those that can form a connection.

-P.E.