How Not to Die a Gruesome, Painful Death: Lessons From Horror

OMG A PARTY! Yes, you're going to one fabulous party set up by the coolest person you know, the one with an island home right near your town. But whoops, your parents say you can't go. Bummer...

As if you're going to let your parents stop you! No, you're going to get your red dress on and get ready for dancing in the moonlight! First, you'll have to sneak on the party yacht this dude has (yeah, he's loaded). But piece of cake.

Now you're on his island! No one else inhabits the island so his house is in the centre, surrounded by trees. It's fall, and all the leaves are on the ground, but there are still enough trees and the island is still big enough to block all light from the party from mainland.

And what a party it is. The bass is rockin', and everybody is dancing and singing and what's behind that tree? Whoops, better not look. It's epic.

At some point, the party starts and people start to leave. This is the part where everything goes horribly wrong. You passed out, and shit, it's almost morning and your parents are going to wonder where you've been. You wake up to a bloodcurdling scream.

But here's the deal: everybody outside of the room you're in, the kitchen, is dead. Like, brutally murdered. So what happens next? Let's talk about what NOT to do.

1. Do NOT wander around saying "Hello? Hello?" Do you seriously want to alert the murderer about a potential new victim?

2. When you hear a creepy noise in the back yard, stay put! Run in the other direction!

3. When you're running, don't look back but the enemy is always in front of you!

4. Don't you dare stop to take a picture of something.

5. Leave the goddamn Ouija board alone.

6. Do not start to walk toward the trees that suddenly have creepy fog all over.

7. That little girl you see, outside the window wearing a cute little white nightgown? Don't follow her.

8. Stay away from sheds.

9. Don't even think about going in the basement.

10. Rocking chair? Don't touch. Back away slowly.

11. Don't touch the dead people either. For all you know, they're zombies.

12. Are you serious? WHY ARE YOU WALKING AROUND IN HEELS. Take those off and find some sensible shoes that you can run with.

13. If you have to pry it off a dead body, so be it.

14. Now don't go having a panic attack. Sobbing and freaking out won't help you- it's actually detrimental because now you're being loud.

15. Find a weapon.

16. Find a backup weapon.

17. Find some salt or a cross or any religious symbol (hey- you never know!)

18. Cut a slit in your dress so you can move better.

19. Stay away from the creepy dolls.

20. See the 'stuffed' clown sitting on the rocking chair? Yes, the one that looks like a murderer in disguise. Stab it!

21. No, leave dead Johnny alone and stop screaming.

22. Did you hear that? Over there in the woods, it looks like someone with blonde hair. Maybe a friend? NO! Run the other way!

23. Congratulations, you didn't die in the forest! Now get to the boat. And for heaven's sake, make sure no one is on it and there's no random hole before you leave.

24. You know the weird thing you see in the water that looks like a corpse's hand? Ignore it.

25. Don't turn towards that lovely, sirenic music you're hearing.

26. Uh oh, the engine stopped. You're now stuck in the middle of a lake. And now there seems to be a lightning storm going on. As the waves grow stronger, the boat rocks back and forth and you feel sea sick. Don't go to the edge- you might fall out.

27. Now, you're miserably crouched on the boat trying not to get sick. It's been an awful day, but you're still alive. You're surviving.

28. But then, with a gust of wind a giant shark flops on board and it eats you. #Sharknado

29. You never should have gone to that party in the first place.

30. There is no way not to die a gruesome, painful death. You can prolong your life for as long as you want, but people in horror movies die, and it's absolutely brutal.

31. And with that, Happy Halloween!

-P.E. & Mari