But I can't stay for long, because I love what I love. I love it deeply, and maybe in a different way than others because I rarely reveal just how much I love something. But I think I'm loyal to what I love (and in general, I'm stubborn as hell) and sometimes I almost want to hide it from other people because I don't want their influence on it. But eventually, I will share it, and with certain people.
Mari is one of those people. She's my co-blogger, which means that we're sharing one of the previously most sacred things to me: a blog. Books. My first blog was established in secrecy because I was obsessed with this being something I built up on my own, based entirely upon my own merit. This blog, however, is meant to reflect me and my personality, and is almost a symbol of our friendship. We share this, and it's our baby.
I want to share what I love, and Mari is one of my favourite people for that. I send her so much content and I don't expect her to love all of it (although it wouldn't have killed her to read that Atlantic article about Vladimir Putin!).
It's just that there's this incredible joy when you find something to love, and it's almost a surprise because everything in the universe had to align just so before you could find that thing that brings joy. I'm always surprised when I find something I love because it's so random. It gives this lovely sunshine-ish feeling and I end up humming songs like "I'm Walking on Sunshine" and maybe skipping and smiling randomly when I remember something I particularly loved, and it's such a great feeling that is under-appreciated because it's so random. It's hard to know when something will click in a certain way like that so when it does, it feels precious. It feels like something I want to protect.
It's also fragile. I know things had to align for a certain way for me to love something, so I'm so careful about the way I treat it. I like to keep it mostly close to me. But sometimes, I can't help it. I think something all bloggers have in common is our desire to share our passions. I want to do it as honestly as I can, and sometimes I don't want to because I don't want to explain myself. I just want to love what I love. But the next level of being a fan is fandom.
Fandom terrifies me because it goes against that keeping cards close mentality I can sometimes have. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable enough to engage fully in fandom, especially of the Tumblr variety (although I will follow the blogs and I think the gifmakers are amazing and wish I could credit them more), so I'm just happy if I can have someone I talk to who understands my intense love for something.
I want Mari to love what I love. She has a harder time finishing books than I do, so I always feel like helping her find her next love. I want her to read what I read and genuinely love it. I know she's scared of disappointing me by not loving it. Well, I don't want her to feel that way. I don't want her to feel bad about not loving what I love, which is only natural when it comes to human beings. That being said, every time I try to get her to watch something, it is something I truly love.
It's a little bit like putting myself out there. I declare that this thing is something I love, and I hope my friend likes it too. I want to share something else with someone I trust, and fangirling is so much more fun when someone else can participate. Concurrently, I don't want her to feel obliged to enjoy something just like I did.
I want her to find the same joy I have with something in the world, and I guess the difficult part of this is that regardless of how much love I have for something, sometimes she won't reciprocate. And that's something I live with. By no means is it a major burden, but I think it's just such a sweet part of friendship; to share what one loves.